Now I Know I’ve Got a Hart, Because It’s Breaking

In 2008, I had a nightmare that is still vivid to this day. I journaled about it, and back then the baby was still a baby – maybe a year-and-a-half. The visions haunted me for months. And now, I think I know why.

The expurgated entry:

In his usual vague fashion, he tells me about his work. Gradually I learn that his new job is for a circus. Bean and I have an apartment somewhere with a mother-figure, and his coworkers start visiting. I notice a pattern: they are all naked. There is a dog-man, who talks but has the hair of a dog. The last visitor is a giant, who comes swathed in white, like some overgrown baby whose swaddling has stripped. He was bald, with thick, fleshy-toned (very fair so I saw skin tone through them) eyebrows. He let his covering slip although Bean is atop him. I am looking down at him laying on the floor from my knees. Rather than cover up, he moves Bean to sit on his penis, the tip and scrotum hanging out. I recoil, as somehow they touched my knee. I remove the baby and ask him, I’ve noticed this trend… Do you ALL work naked? And what I really mean is, does my husband work naked? Yes, he admits, they all do. But, the man proceeds proceeds, my husband is in a rock and a hard place, with a girlfriend [me] who won’t understand that he needs the money.
 
I call a female “coworker.” I hear a rantish recording by her saying not to judge them because they work naked and all pile in to sleep in the same big bed and why do people think they’re freaks for that?
When he comes home, he denies it. I play her message aloud for him.
 
I am losing the exact chronology here but he is in a reclining chair, and I’m in a chair a bit apart from him. Bean walks around from the other side of the chair and he is grey, like a little ghost baby. I run to grab him, carefully speaking even tones so as not to startle Bean, “Look what you did!” Knowing that somehow it must be his fault. I felt it was not final, I was prepared to wage a very spiritual war to win Bean back.
 
And demonic things were unleashed. 
 
Spirits and circus freaks poured in.
 
I slapped him softly, the only power in my slap being in the concept. This made me angry, and I tried twice more, he laying on the ground… one of the fat freaks dropped down on his shoulder like a sumo wrestler, breaking bones and leaving my husband howling, crying. I believe the freaks killed him but here I grew more detached from my dream and began to drift away from it, wandering into other landscapes. 
 
 This is that battle. Court is the circus, but the battle is spiritual – Bean still survives, even if it is as a shadow of himself. And now it is time to wage that battle to win him back.

The Thing About the World…

So, I haven’t been writing. And I’ve been super happy. And then, suddenly, I’m not. I think it’s the drastic pressure of yet another impending court date with my ex, and the knowledge that he does things like mining my Facebook and my blogs for anything he can use against me (and if I write the wrong thing here this very minute, he will file it in evidence), and just the general disagreeableness of his demeanor and the fact that we can’t really actively coparent but I still have to make attempts, and the knowledge that no matter how much I try, I can’t make things in this situation okay. What do you even do with a thing like that? You grin and make the best of it, and just try. But it’s exhausting. I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to be in court with this guy every year because he doesn’t seem to have anything better to do. If someone is just really determined to disagree with you or dislike you, what’s the appropriate response to that? I am really, really tired of this, and of the underlying pretense that he’s trying. He’s quite clearly not trying to coparent; he’s just out for a fight. I feel like WWII Poland dealing with a very determined Nazi Germany. And I don’t even know what Poland could have done differently. The futility is exhausting. The lack of change is exhausting. And trying to counterbalance all of that with the almost perfect new life with Danny is confuddling, to say the least. The contrast makes me appreciate him so much more – and it also probably stinks for him to have to deal with the aftermath of my ex, and my ex’s constant presence in my life. But it very definitely stinks for me, and I’m totally sure the way my ex and I relate stinks for our son. And I don’t think there’s any fixing it. In a normal situation, people that don’t get along or want to stay married can part ways, and if they share children, they can communicate about things that affect those children; we can’t do that, for reasons I’ll never fully comprehend. There is a fundamental problem with the way that the legal precedents are set for domestic violence and abuse situations: people that are mentally and emotionally ill enough to be abusers often end up using their children as pawns in their sick games of control. My child is more than a way for his father to torment me.


The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists

bookcoversmLast year, a good friend of mine talked me into buying a copy of The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.  Oz isn’t a hard sell, but the idea of Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is. The question I asked myself was, is being a jerk really a disorder? The answer, apparently, is yes.

From Wikipedia:

Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR include:[1]

  • Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments
  • Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others
  • Envies others and believes others envy him/her
  • Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence
  • Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others
  • Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior
  • Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic

As it turns out, I know a couple of people that fit this description and then some, so the book’s many suggestions for relating to, being in a relationship with, or remaining family with someone with NPD were helpful to me.

From the book:
“Your unfounded guilt can be your worst enemy, causing you to try one more time to make him happy.” “On the codependent side of the coin, many individuals in England and America were similarly blinded by their righteous attachment to their “pacifist” ideologies- to such a point that they could not recognize the inevitable danger to their own free society. Like the entrenched codependent with the NPD individual, these groups regularly called for soul searching and an ever-increasing intention to reason with Hitler, to prevent conflict.” Get your copy here.   Get your copy here.

oz


Who is Danny Birt?

Excuse me while I fangirl for a minute. I was going through old blog drafts, and I ran across this one from February 7th, which is the first time I really actually hung out with this Danny Birt guy mentioned in the title of this post. I don’t actually really read fantasy novels (unless you count the year-long ordeal that was me suffering through Eragon), I’d never heard of “filking” (it’s not as dirty as it sounds), and I had just gone to my first even Fan convention: MarsCon. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not a geek. I’m probably too cool to even be a proper nerd (I can’t hear you, Peanut Gallery). But I was bored, I knew people that were going, and the theme was Twisted Fairy Tales. If there’s any theme I can get down with, it’s that one. Into the Woods, anyone? 3

So a really nifty (kinda nerdy) guy (not Danny) asked me to go, and I went. (Ladies, he is one of the good ones, and I’d be happy to pass your info along to him if you’re in the market.)

There were all kinds of amazing costumes, including one young couple dressed as Jareth and Sarah from the Labyrinth. I got sorted into Ravenclaw. There was at least one Dalek. And there were lots and lots of writery workshops and panels to attend.

One of the panels featuring Elizabeth Brooks was somewhat interactive: a table full of writers had to rewrite fairy tales with audience-imposed elements or limitations. On a timer. All of the authors were talented, but one of them was very, very funny. His tale was the only one that was completely finished in the allotted time, and it was by far (in my opinion) the most entertaining. He rewrote Goldilocks to include a dragon. Immediately, I had the sense that he was a person that I should know. But I didn’t know him. So I went on about my business.

Then, I went to hear some music – and lo and behold, he was there, singing hysterically funny song parodies. And I thought, I should probably get to know this person (and possibly marry him and have his babies). Instead, I left without saying a word to him, knowing that he’d be returning to his home in another state after the convention was over. Three weeks later, I looked him up on Facebook and sent him a message letting him know I was ‘stalking’ him. Turns out, he hadn’t left the state, and was still staying in my city. I asked him if we could meet for lunch, and when we met he was completely oblivious of my interest and expressed curiosity as to why I’d wanted to see him. So I interviewed him. I mean, what else is a girl supposed to do?

Here’s the interview as it went:

Who is Danny Birt?

After spending a couple of hours with him, I’m absolutely positive that I don’t know the answer to that question. What I do know is that he is funny.

He’s a writer:

RocBirt
A pianist, and a filker (which isn’t nearly as naughty as it sounds):
OtterDanny
And a licensed music therapist. And he’s a pretty interesting person.

Which authors have influenced you most?
Tolkein, Stephen Hawking, Terry Pratchett and Patrick Rothfuss – Name of the Wind was the best fanatasy book that I have read in the last decade. Once I was done reading it, I couldn’t write for a few days because I’ve never been so blown away… It was just just so fresh.

Influential musicians include:
Beethoven, Sigur Ros, Paul van Dyk.

Favorite movies:
Amadeus, Memoirs of a Geisha, Shawshank Redepmtion, Lilo & Stitch

What kind of socks are you wearing? Goldtoe
What color? black

If you seal anything in the world, what would you steal?
Nothing?

Okay if you could acquire anything you don’t already have?
I would acquire sufficient money that I would be able to take care of my needs and the needs of those close to me that I could move forward for the rest of my life. Or, I would steal a better answer to this question.

How do you feel about trench coats?
They can be very warm.

Do you have anything to add?
Look up the singer/songwriter ‘Power Salad’ and his song ‘My Cat is Afraid of the Vaccuum Cleaner’. And if you think you’re able to judge me correctly by this blog, you’re probably wrong.

What happened after the ‘interview’? “I want to write stuff with you,” I breathed. And so we collaboratively wrote a flash fic ending with the line, “The inexplicable smile on the corpse of Martini helped, too.” And then a lot of other things happened, and then more things after that, eventually resulting in him becoming my boyfriend and me even reading some fantasy stuff he wrote. I have pretty high hopes for a Happily Ever After with Danny Birt; after all, I found him in a Fairy Tale.
More after the jump:
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I’m completely biased, but I think everything Danny has ever written/played/created is brilliant and you should check it all out. You can (and should) find Danny’s newest book Beginning a Beginning here, his children’s/young adult book about a Dragon raised by a family of birds here, and his awesome new sylph story (my favorite) in Bad-Ass Faeries: It’s Elemental here. He also has five albums out, and you can check all of them out at The Scribbling Lion.

UPDATE: I realize that a lot of you also have interest in stalking Danny now (I’m a trendsetter like that) and the easiest way to stalk him is through his website. Easy-peasy.


Truth # 3 – “Yes, I know what you think of me. You never shut up.”

Alright, World. We all know you think we’re pretty. Or not. We know what you think of our appearance because we hear a constant stream of feedback (or a lack thereof, which is an equally clear message) from the time we’re tiny tots, and we know what it means; we’ve already absorbed it.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. Your image is your personal brand, sure. Attractive people have an easier time at life, apparently: they have an easier time finding jobs (and even have their own job site), they supposedly make more money, everyone wants to talk to them, and studies have been done that prove good looking people are considered more trustworthy. But, to be blunt, being pretty is a huge pain in the ass.

Please do not think that I’m bragging when I say this, because this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with society as a whole: I hear I’m pretty every time I leave the house. Every. Single. Time. Even when I go to the 711 in my Muppet pajamas with uncombed hair and glasses, I get hit on.  And it doesn’t say a damn thing about me. I’m not a supermodel. I don’t dress like one. I’m not asking for your attention or for your constant commentary on my appearance. In fact, odds are good that I don’t give a fig what you think of how I look. And if you lead into a conversation with anything about my appearance, you are definitely not getting my number. Please, for the love of all the gods of the multiverse, stop being this guy:
“Damn. DAMN! OH DAMN! Ok, ok, ok… Uh, yeah, I just wanna let you know the back of your head is  RIDICULOUS!”

The other night I met an acquaintance for a drink and some live music, and our conversation was like riding a merry-go-round. He ran the usual conversational circuit that consists of “tell me about yourself, why are you single, would you go out with me” questions. He made an awkward compliment, and I laughed at him, so he explained that he has a tough time complimenting girls and started talking about this one time he failed on complimenting a girl’s hair. Sensing an opportunity to make a difference in the world, I smiled broadly and said, “You know, we all hear we’re pretty ALL THE TIME; most girls would much rather have you say something about their intellect, or the conversation.”

What I’d said was apparently gibberish to him, because his response was, “So… you, personally… Would you rather have someone compliment you on your sweet personality, or something?”

The perplexed, evaluative look on his poor muddled face was a bookend to the frustrated one on mine as I repeated myself: “Or, you know, my INTELLECT OR CONVERSATION.”

He nodded, scrunched up his nose like he was taking bad medicine, and said, “I was just going to tell you that I really enjoyed your conversation.”

I have a lot of conversations like that one, and I have a lot of one-sided conversations where I talk about literature or feminism or religion and the person that I’m talking to responds with something about my appearance. That isn’t complimentary; it makes me feel like I wasn’t heard. If you respond to a statement I make with something about my appearance, you’re probably: a) not listening, b) think it’s just so cute that the pretty but stupid girl is using big words. Neither of those things makes me feel connected to you.

My friend Courtney posted a revolutionary quote on her Facebook page a couple of days ago:

“You don’t have to be pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.”


This comes from Dress a Day, and the full post is fantastic. Go read it. Right now. I’ll wait.

Most women do go out of their way to be pretty. We wax our eyebrows, paint our nails, pierce our ears, wear shoes that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. And it’s fun. But we don’t do it for you. We do it for us (and maybe that one guy we like). The rest of you can stop admitting you notice any time now, and save us the trouble of making a lame response.

“Know then that the body is merely a garment.
Go seek the wearer, not the cloak.”

~ Rumi


Truth # 2 – The Devil

“A tale that begins with a beet must end with the devil,” Tom Robbins tells us in the beginning of Jitterbug Perfume (one of the best books ever written in the English language). “The beet is the most intense of vegetables. The radish, admittedly, is more feverish, but the fire of the radish is a cold fire, the fire of discontent not of passion. Tomatoes are lusty enough, yet there runs through tomatoes an undercurrent of frivolity. Beets are deadly serious. Slavic peoples get their physical characteristics from potatoes, their smoldering inquietude from radishes, their seriousness from beets. The beet is the melancholy vegetable, the one most willing to suffer. You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip… The beet is the murderer returned to the scene of the crime. The beet is what happens when the cherry finishes with the carrot. The beet is the ancient ancestor of the autumn moon, bearded, buried, all but fossilized; the dark green sails of the grounded moon-boat stitched with veins of primordial plasma; the kite string that once connected the moon to the Earth now a muddy whisker drilling desperately for rubies… A tale that begins with a beet must end with the devil.”  

jitterbug_perfume

The truth is, I’ve kissed a few devils, and in my experience they do seem to share some similarities with beets.  A beet appears ordinary at a glance, but beneath the surface lies something that can stain anything it touches. Beets are often served in their own cloyingly sweet cooked syrup , and true to life the more popularly palatable way to serve them diminishes their beneficial qualities. Finally, beets have their selling points: apart from their obvious intensity, they’re also good for us on some levels

 

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While I could go on comparing the natures of various devils, it seems to me that there are greater evils that lurk in our relationships with beings of all kinds: comparison and expectation.

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” we hear again and again. It’s true.  Comparison is closely related to expectation; we categorize both produce and people so that we know what we’re likely to see from them. Comparisons are useful in many ways – there’s a reason they happen – but they’re also very limiting. Expecting someone you’ve just met to behave like someone you’ve met before means that odds are good you’re not seeing them for who they really are: themselves.

My resolution for 2014 is to learn to see people as individuals instead of holding them up to others and trying to anticipate their next move. Less forest, more trees. The twin to this resolution is to decrease the amount of insight I expect others to have on any comparative basis (which is to say, pretty much all of it). This will free me up to believe in people a little bit more – to give people the benefit of the doubt – to hope for great things from them. Here’s to 2014.

wonderful

Random things from the interwebs:


Truth # 1 – There is No Time.

My mother always told me, “Life is what you make of it.” She’s right. Life is a blank canvas, waiting for you to paint, sketch, or write what you want on it; if you don’t, if you lead a passive consumer life, you’ll be about as satisfied as you are when you buy That Thing featured in all the commercials – which is to say, not very – and no one will take your complaints seriously. I used to live a life that my ex called “following the path of least resistance.” I allowed life to happen willy-nilly, and I adapted accordingly, because I had no real concept of what sort of life I wanted to create. I had time, I thought, to figure it out; I was willing to spend my twenties in a haze of passivity. That passivity ultimately ended up in motherhood, marriage, divorce, and lots of permanent scars and craters in the landscape of my life. Some of the happenings were fantastically good (My son is amazing, for instance.), but if I’d taken a more direct approach to decision-making, if I’d formulated some sort of a game plan for life, my life would definitely look much different than it does, now. It doesn’t, and that’s that – but I’d like to encourage you to take control of the time that you have, because you aren’t guaranteed a later. To quote a dear friend of mine that is not on the blogosphere:

 “your world, your life is yours to shape.  the universe hands you a hammer with which you can tap or you can bang on your life as you see fit to make it the way you want it.  but when you stop doing, when you wallow and mope and allow all the crud to bury your will, you flip that hammer around and offer the handle to whomever is out there.  and when that happens, more often than not, some bastard is going to grab hold and just whack away and dent you all to hell.  but even if you are lucky and some kind person takes possession, their well meaning taps inevitably also do damage — for they do not know what shape you really need and want your life to be.”

Even if you don’t know what you want, your best guess is better than anyone else’s- because it’s yours and this is your life. So, here’s the truth: you don’t have time to goof around with. Time is an illusion. You have this moment, right here- the present. You can spend it any way that you choose, but there’s no such thing as “buying time,” and this moment is irreplaceable.

“Hey man, d’you wanna buy a watch?”

“Hey no, man. Like, I’m not into time, man.”

- Tommy Chong (this is one of my earliest movie memories – thanks, Dad)

You’re better off making it up as you go along than allowing anyone else to do so. Even the most well-intentioned ‘other’ is going to have ulterior motives, good or not. During the above-mentioned passive haze of my 20s, I stumbled into a Barnes & Noble with one of my best girlfriends, and while I was scanning the shelves for Wayne Dyer books I saw this: pronoia The cover is attention-grabbing, so I picked it up and flipped it over. Imagine my surprise when I read this:

“I have seen the future of American literature and its name is Rob Brezsny.” – Tom Robbins

(Tom Robbins is my favorite author. His books are the Bible of my life, and I first encountered his work on the shelves of a thrift store- Jitterbug Perfume was the most satisfying novel I’d ever read, and it only cost me fifty cents.) I didn’t buy the book. I waited, but when I went back later it was gone. I scanned bookstore shelves for it constantly, over and over, everywhere I went. Finally, nearly two years later, I found the book in a different bookstore in a different city while shopping with the same friend. And I bought it then.

From the cover:

Human beings are selfish, small-minded, violence-prone savages, civilization is a blight on the earth, and the rising tide of chaos ensures that everything’s going to fall apart any day now. Right?

Wrong, says Rob Brezsny. In fact, evil is boring. Cynicism is stupid. Despair is lazy. The truth is that the universe is inherently friendly. Life is a sublime game created for our amusement and illumination, and it always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

This book causes enlightened introspection, spontaneous optimism, and careful evaluation of your intentions – all in a flippant, artistic, playful manner. It’s the sort of book you might color in, underline, and write in the margins of. It is, in short, a guidebook to life. I still have two more entries inspired by this book, but for now, I’ll close with snippets of interest from the interwebs:

kamsutra1_2722329b

nanowrimo

Stay tuned for more Pronoia and an update on my word count for NaNoWriMo.


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