For some reason, some of us do drastic things to our appearances every time we go through a major life change. In college, I said silly things about how that was unstable; now I know that if you don’t allow yourself a visible expression of the changes going on in your life, you’ll probably turn that expression inward in a potentially injurious way. Breakup? Cut. Color. Change your perfume, lipstick, or wardrobe. Do something manifestly different. Life is dynamic, and if you stay the same, you’re going to draw the same.
I didn’t just go through a breakup. A couple of months ago, I broke up with someone that invested a lifetime’s worth of love and time and energy, and changed my life in a thousand wonderful ways. It still stings. When a bad relationship goes awry, it’s angsty but just. You know, deep down, that it’s for the best, and sometimes you want to wallow in the pain anyway, or you need to mourn the potential future that never showed up. When a good thing goes awry, you don’t want to wallow. You want to ignore the pain, and assume that your life will continue to blossom in the same way without your best friend. It may. When it does, you feel the soul-crushing that is not being able to share your triumphs and successes with the only one you want to talk to. Worse, you come to realize that you can’t be there for them anymore, because they may not let you.
In my case, I owe a phenomenal karmic debt to my last partner, and I can’t pay it off, because I’m not still in his life in any significant way. This is worse, I think, because it means that I didn’t outgrow the thing, and I can’t repay the debt from without. In addition, I have all of the same “I miss him” feelings I’d have had breaking up with a jerk- without the justification and damn good reasons.
For the first time in my life, I’m doing something different by returning to myself. I’ve gone back to my natural hair color. I’m letting my hair grow out. I’m not going to slap on the band-aid that is someone new. I’m going to give the relationship the time of mourning that it deserves, and hope that at the end of it all, maybe love will triumph for a change. If not, I’m not sure I want to bother to date again.
This blog isn’t normally a forum for my personal life – it tends to focus more on books, poetry, web content, and the like – but I feel like I’m only now cutting my teeth on a couple of subjects that are very near to my heart, and there are books that tie into major life changes I’ve made over the years. I’m going to explore some of those for a while.