So, I haven’t been writing. And I’ve been super happy. And then, suddenly, I’m not. I think it’s the drastic pressure of yet another impending court date with my ex, and the knowledge that he does things like mining my Facebook and my blogs for anything he can use against me (and if I write the wrong thing here this very minute, he will file it in evidence), and just the general disagreeableness of his demeanor and the fact that we can’t really actively coparent but I still have to make attempts, and the knowledge that no matter how much I try, I can’t make things in this situation okay. What do you even do with a thing like that? You grin and make the best of it, and just try. But it’s exhausting. I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to be in court with this guy every year because he doesn’t seem to have anything better to do. If someone is just really determined to disagree with you or dislike you, what’s the appropriate response to that? I am really, really tired of this, and of the underlying pretense that he’s trying. He’s quite clearly not trying to coparent; he’s just out for a fight. I feel like WWII Poland dealing with a very determined Nazi Germany. And I don’t even know what Poland could have done differently. The futility is exhausting. The lack of change is exhausting. And trying to counterbalance all of that with the almost perfect new life with Danny is confuddling, to say the least. The contrast makes me appreciate him so much more – and it also probably stinks for him to have to deal with the aftermath of my ex, and my ex’s constant presence in my life. But it very definitely stinks for me, and I’m totally sure the way my ex and I relate stinks for our son. And I don’t think there’s any fixing it. In a normal situation, people that don’t get along or want to stay married can part ways, and if they share children, they can communicate about things that affect those children; we can’t do that, for reasons I’ll never fully comprehend. There is a fundamental problem with the way that the legal precedents are set for domestic violence and abuse situations: people that are mentally and emotionally ill enough to be abusers often end up using their children as pawns in their sick games of control. My child is more than a way for his father to torment me.
June 29, 2014
The Thing About the World…